I’m Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness about 18.5% of adults in the United States experience mental illness each year. That is a significant part of our population - one in five - but the stigma and misunderstanding surrounding mental health is still rampant. That's why to honor the Mental Health Awareness Month, we call on our readers to share their own experiences with mental illness: their victories, their struggles, and what it's like to negotiate a society that makes the wrong assumptions about who you really are. based on the arbitrary definition of the word "normal." Our series My Life With highlights raw and unfiltered stories about women dealing with anxiety, bipolar disorder, postpartum depression, and more, all in their own words. Below, Sophia's reader tells how she still has not recovered from the trauma of abuse.

There is no time I can recall my life without depression or anxiety. That is something I can prove as well as some of the therapy sessions I have been living since I was 12 years old. Being a psychology student, I often analyze myself in the present, past, and future. I like to think of myself as my own lab rat, but maybe that's just a way to avoid my reality.

 

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From a young age, I always knew I had to behave one way in public, one way at home, and there never became my real self. I'm always the best princess, best friend, trophy boyfriend, but I never know who I am.

I came to know about the mental illness that bothered me when I was treated to see a therapist in 12 about eating disorders. From there, several other things opened. My anxiety and severe depression were obviously like bones and wounds on my body. But I do not want help; my parents made me feel like a burden like my doctor made me feel like I was having a phase. In those six months, I succumbed to the medical system because it gave me more sadness.

I grew up in a house where I did not know that I was being harassed. The abuse I experienced was physical but mostly mental. I was controlled by my parents to the point where others commented where they "found me." I am perfect, for everyone except my parents. The control I removed from them caused me very sadness. To gain control, I use food, minimizing my portion to minimize my body. In addition, you can imagine the anxiety that a person feels when they suppress themselves and always fear the punishment. Similarly, the depression that follows, the life of birth abuse does not leave much hope for someone to live. So being around a doctor who did not listen to me made me feel like I was drowning. No one ever told me that the harassment committed to me as a child would cause chaos in my life and health. Even when it will leave me, I will still be plagued with the consequences.

After I was 18, I moved. Things change. I ended up eating without having a smug thought, but this made me gain incredible weight in less than a year. I can be myself without anyone telling me what to do. I love my family just as I hate those people for me, but I still miss the family that does not disgust me with my arms. Leaving my family saved me from them and myself. I was at the point of freedom from constant harassment in my life, and finally, I was able to breathe. The problem is I do not even realize my mental instability will still damage me.

Not long after moving, I found myself in a relationship where I was sexually abused. Not how we imagine sexual assault, from strangers taking you and tearing you apart. That's what we do not notice, which is more subtle. I was with a man and I realized that I was in a position to fight and face anger that I could not control or overcome and deal with the trauma I was controlling. I do not know if my choice is the right choice for now, but at that moment, it is the best. From there really began my downfall. I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

After realizing the people who should love me do not - I am part of the game in their lives, and if I meet their needs, then I'm perfect for them - I really let them. myself go. I drink to forget, do drugs to stabilize my mood, and eat to absorb the next morning. This is a "fun cycle." I let myself be the part that everyone wants to use unless I am in control now; even if I did not, I was too drunk to remember it. There are many years in my life that I do not remember from trauma, but there is also a whole year I can not remember due to substance abuse. I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

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Just moments after leaving the reign of a traumatic event that I found elsewhere. I have no doubt I'm nearing my end; I did not find my goal, and as a person, I did not feel validated. I am a friend who knows to lift others, but for myself, I am poisonous. I really live in a cycle where I do not care if I live because I have no purpose. But as if my mind was being heard, I found a sign.

I have always believed in signs and manifestations. It can seem a bit out there for the most part, but to me they are very important. So when I found TED Talk from a doctor who talked about how abuse affects children once I feel heard. I am the child they are talking about, and there are trustworthy people who understand the turmoil faced by abused children. It shows my purpose: that I have a voice for others, a voice I do not have for myself to grow up. But I to help others, I must help myself. I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

It took six months of therapy with three psychologists (the one who made me commit suicide) and a neurologist to help balance hormones. In those months, I was also fully conscious, except for the monthly drinks. I re-enrolled in full-time school and finally started a job I loved. I am really grateful to my friends who live on my side of joy and sorrow. On the other hand, I have some people I have to leave because they bring nothing but sadness in my life. I've always been someone who seemed to be gathered outside, but it was time to solidify it inside. I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

Currently, I am still in full-time school and working. My life changed like Goop -as I do now, mostly I eat clean and keep drinking to a minimum (once a month). I still see my therapist twice a month and still work around my mental stability. I was a girl who never believed I would have a reason to live, but now I do it. It does not sound cliche, because some days it's still hard to see through the fog of my depression, but I have the stability now that allows me to overcome such obstacles. I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

I hope my words illustrate it simply because a person looks united not does not mean them and that anyone who never believes life will be worth living - anyone like me - it is worth it. We are all legitimate human beings, and your existence is important. I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma

I'm Still Piecing Myself Together After Living Through Years of Childhood Trauma
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